Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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