I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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