pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize
