I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
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I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
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We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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