I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You pole danced in your parka.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
