My room smells like vodka and shame
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
