Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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