Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
