so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
