The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
