and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
