I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
