You're my little dorito
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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