Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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