So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
