FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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