Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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