My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
