I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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