how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
