Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i think my mom watched the whole time
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
