so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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