If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
