Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
