glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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