I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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