your parents love me but you hate me
even my farts smell like vagina
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
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