Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
