and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Randomize
