oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
