Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
