Pregnant stripper...not hot.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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