life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
