Rock
Scissors
Fuck
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
