i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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