I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
