My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
