his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
