we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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