dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
