also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
