Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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