You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
