I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
