Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I wanna bring you to show and tell
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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