i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I supernannyed him into submission
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