we have pet lesbian snakes
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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