I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
