Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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