It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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