I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
3 2 1 whiskey
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Drunk is a universal language darling
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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