Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
