I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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