He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
