I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
