So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
