So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
