I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
