Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
