I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
