my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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